Funniest things you have heard a Police Officer Say
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RingoBerry
Well-Known Member
He was a former police chief in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. He told me one time he dropped by after a few years he retired during a holiday, there was a disgruntled couple that was just arrested, the man was spitting out threats how he was going to have someone sued and fired. The man was like "You cops should watch who you put your hands on, that person may be high enough on the food chain to have your badges shoves up your ass". My girlfriend's grandfather burst out laughing and said "Mister, don't say stuff like that to officer Amir, he might ask you for a demonstration."
Clairelouise84
Well-Known Member
They made me laugh so much especially the one about the bank robbers. Not really heard a cop say many funny things but when I was stopped once because I was driving a car that fitted the description of a stolen one, the policeman was leaning in the window talking to me and a car drove past and splashed him. He looked up and said to me "that was an unmarked police car that just did that" Made me laugh as they totally did it on purpose!
PriscillaKing
Active Member
Not as funny as several things on this page, but..."It's better to be late to a positive place than to drive faster and get to a negative place." I think a drivers' training teacher said that first. By now lots of people in my part of the world say it.
westmixxin
Active Member
I remember a police officer pulled me over and asked me if I had an escape clown and Michael. Apparently a clown was at a birthday party and punched a child and then escaped in a car similar to mine. That was the dumbest thing I've ever heard a police officer asked me before my life. And I had just turned 16 so is even funnier to be honest with you because it was my first traffic stop.
Ladyofthelake
Member
When my daughter and I caught her father in bed with the 17 year old babysitter, we gathered our stuff together to leave him. He called the police to try to have us stopped. The female officer wanted to ask me some questions, so he put her on speaker phone. She asked a few questions that pinpointed that he had been caught with his pants down, and then asked him if that was true. He sheepishly admitted so. She said to him. " Mr XXXX, you are damn lucky we aren't sending out the meat wagon for a murder, now I'm sending an escort so your wife and daughter can get out of there safely!" And so she did.
thomas pendrake
Active Member
I would say the conversation with the (female) deputy who did an illegal random stop of me on my bicycle (at night) who told me first it was because I didn't have a tail light, and then when I said "you mean that light that is blinking" she said it was a reflector, and then when I asked "Then why is it flashing" she said that it was supposed to be WHITE, but she had no answer when I asked her why it was DOT certified, she just repeated that it was supposed to be white, not red. But she said she would just give me a warning this time. At least she was cute.
elementalmage
Member
I simply love this thread! Keep adding to it guys. I loved the stuff not to say to a police officer. I guess cops hear a lot of strange excuses when it comes to drivers not wanting a ticket.
RingoBerry
Well-Known Member
I just found this one I just hope no one has posted it yet 
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16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you..'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're sorely mistaken.
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16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you..'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're sorely mistaken.
IrishHeather
Member
My husband and I were once having lunch with a state trooper and told us a funny joke:
A state trooper was on the interstate, when a corvette zoomed past him like he was standing still. It took the trooper several minutes to catch up to the car and pull it over. As the trooper approached the car he noticed the driver was elderly gentleman. The trooper asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. The gentleman responded that he did. The trooper than asked the man "Give me one reason why I should not write you a ticket". The elderly man got quite for a moment and then responded "you see officer... my wife left me 20 years ago for a state trooper and I thought you were trying to bring her back." The trooper smiled and told the gentleman to slow it down and have a good day.
A state trooper was on the interstate, when a corvette zoomed past him like he was standing still. It took the trooper several minutes to catch up to the car and pull it over. As the trooper approached the car he noticed the driver was elderly gentleman. The trooper asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. The gentleman responded that he did. The trooper than asked the man "Give me one reason why I should not write you a ticket". The elderly man got quite for a moment and then responded "you see officer... my wife left me 20 years ago for a state trooper and I thought you were trying to bring her back." The trooper smiled and told the gentleman to slow it down and have a good day.
FuZyOn
Well-Known Member
I just found this one I just hope no one has posted it yet
----------------------
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you..'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're sorely mistaken.
Haha, I really laughed at #1 and #7. Thanks for sharing, those were some funny ones!
ArtGlauson
Well-Known Member
I love the first and third one the best.
