Funniest things you have heard a Police Officer Say

This cops have got to be the biggest joke of all. Hearing them speak on TV is amusing ad sad at the same time. One of them is the Inspector General of police.

[video=youtube;IQ89Y8YuQkc]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQ89Y8YuQkc[/video]
 
There was one time where I was walking with my ex girlfriend. We went past this cop talking to this guy and it seemed friendly. All of a sudden I hear this loud scream followed by someone saying "You gonna hit me with a sex toy??!!?!!?". Apparently, the guy walked up to the cop and pretended to do some small talk all to slap the cop in the face with a "toy".
 
This one time I was smoking a cigarette outside a bar and a police officer approached me. He asked me if I knew how to get somewhere. I asked if he didn't have a police radio for that and he answered that he preferred to talk to people on the street than ask Central. Then he proceeded to ask me if I knew any good jokes so he could tell his friends. I told him a lame joke and he laughed a little. Then he said "I got one better: What's red and bad for teeth?" I said "I don't know" and he said "Well, a brick is". I burst out laughing at the idea that this police officer had told me the lamest joke I've ever heard. It's been my favorite joke since.
 
I personally have never really had a conversation with a police officer, but I will tell you about one funny situation I saw on a tv show.

Can't remember the shows name, but it was dash cam footage of a car chase through an urban neighbor hood. The guy their chasing is all over the road, driving on side walks and through ally ways, trying to loose the officers. When the officer finally catch the criminal at a dead end, they first words out of said criminals mouth to the officer was "You are a very good driver", to which the officer said "thank you". I laughed my rear end off. XD
 
One of my instructors told a story about a case of mistaken "sexual-harassment".
Apparently, once upon a time they had a female trainee that misunderstood a hand gesture she saw one instructor giving to another. Now we all have heard "2 to the chest, 1 to the head"; and the instructors, jokingly, had a "gang-sign" hand gesture for this. Well I guess none of them realized it was so similar to the "shocker" hand gesture. (If you don't know what this is, Google it.)
Lets just say it was an interesting meeting with the base's female, commanding officer, haha.
 
One morning I was in a car with my mother and a mutual best friend, one of the funniest people I have ever known. She is just a naturally funny person and is always doing things and getting into situations that just make you want to roll.

Anyway, it was early that morning and as we were going down the road we looked up and saw a naked man dive behind some trash cans beside of his garage. At least we assumed it was his garage. And his trash cans. And that whatever he was doing he likely didn't expect anyone to be driving down a road that far out in the country quite so early in the morning.

It got the conversation going in the car, though, for sure. And our friend, the funny lady, couldn't seem to let it go. A very prim and straightlaced type, she kept saying that she knew it was against the law to go naked in public, but she wondered if it was against the law to go naked in your own yard if there was no one else around. So later that morning when we got back to her house we were sitting around her kitchen table when she decided that it couldn't hurt to just call the police station and ask.

So she did. She reached right up above her head, grabbed the phone off the wall, dialed it and when someone answered she asked without any explanation whatsoever, "Is it against the law to go naked in your own yard?"

Then she turned red as a beet, hung the phone up and covered her mouth with her hands. She was laughing too hard to tell us anything for a minute, but finally she managed to say, "He said, 'Why lady? Do you want to?'"
 
Lol, you guys are funny. A long time ago I got pulled over for something. Maybe what I said was funnier, but I still laugh about his question. He pulls me over and says "do you know why I pulled you over" No, why? "You see that light back there you just ran it." I did? "yes you did. You didn't see that red light?" No I did not. "Well what color did you think it was?" Green. I said. He was quiet and just kind of looked at me, a little annoyed. I was pretty serious about it. "Well just pay attention next time and have a good night. Get home safely." There was two sets of lights I was looking at the next set. It was green I just wasn't there yet.
 
Cop: How much have you had to drink, buddy?

Drunk: A bottle of wine and a whiskey in three hours. I thought I would be fine to drive.

Cop: Are you taking any medication?

Drunk: I just started taking those fish oil capsules.

Cop: The Omega 3 ones? That are supposed to make you smarter?

Drunk: Yeah, them.

Cop: Well, I’m sure you can get your money back.
 
Some of these posts are a little disturbing..
The funniest thing I've heard a cop say was "I remember when I stole my first candy bar.." when stopping a teen for sneaking candy bars in his pockets, lol. The cop was very nice for letting the him off the hook and I definitely think the boy learned his lesson.
 
I always think it is funny when a bad guy comes down with an illness right before he or she is about to get arrested. I have seen heart attacks , seizures, *and everything else. An officer explained to me once that they tend to come down with "incarceritis" which made me laugh hard.
 
"Lady, I'm giving you the ticket. You were going 30 miles an hour under the speed limit while traveling in the fast lane, not only is that rude but you were a safety hazard."

My Aunt after pulling over an elderly woman for going 20mph in a 55mph zone on I-495. She was off-duty but the woman was holding up traffic and nearly caused an accident.
 
The cops around here don't have much of a sense of humor because they have to deal with idiot college kids breaking stuff or trashing the local mcdonalds. But when I called them on some rowdy folks ruining my meal, they tried to explain to the cop why they were underage and drunk at a mcdonalds while slurring their speech. I also expected a couple of them be very high. The cop goes, "How High are you?"

The kid responded. "No Officer(ocifer), it is Hi, how are you."

I about lost it.
 
These are so funny! I love the one about a warning. People are always thinking that they can get off with a warning. The law was the first warning people! You knew you were breaking the law!
 
OK, so I never actually heard anyone say this in real life but it's still a funny joke..

Policewoman: "Anything you say will be held against you.."
Robber: "Boobies!"

Sorry if that was too near the knuckle!
 
"We live in an age where Pizza gets to your house before the Police - So are they free?"

Cop says to a guy, "Alchohol and Drugs, Sir?"
Man responds, "Nope. Got em all right here."
 
I had to laugh when I was pulled over for a headlight being out. As the officer explained why he pulled me over, I casually mentioned that his headlight was out as well. He turned around, looked at his car, looked at me and said "You gonna give me a ticket?". I laughed and said "I messed up, you messed up... let's just call it even." He nodded and walked away
 
My girlfriend's grandfather was a former police chief and he had lots of stories to tell that simply got me crying from laughter though I don't even know if its appropriate to post it here.
 
RingoBerry said:
My girlfriend's grandfather was a former police chief and he had lots of stories to tell that simply got me crying from laughter though I don't even know if its appropriate to post it here.
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What police department was your grandfather part of? I would bet he would have some funny stories to tell.
 
I know a guy who flipped off a cop that was sitting in an area well known for being a speed trap, and he flipped the cop off, and the cop pulled him over for "improperly making a hand signal" lol. I was like, dude that's the EASIEST you could have ever gotten off and THAT'S HILARIOUS!

I mean, who flips off a cop? You're just asking to get arrested at that point.
 
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